Ninja Survival Guide

Know Your Ninjas

We think too much about the zombie apocalypse, but that’s a psyop! By making you focus on zombies you’re not seeing the menace of entitled ninjas building up all around you.

Don’t believe me? Look at this chart showing the relationship between increased global warming and ninja artifacts being found. From warehouses with arcade-era gamer stacks gathering dust, to the basements of recently-diseased shut-ins with so many collectibles that a wall had to be cut off to access the stuff.

Throwing stars, sai swords, tabi boots, that combo of ninja swords that you probably remember decorating the mantle of one of your dad’s friend’s living room, and other ninja artifacts are being quietly separated from the Beanie Babies, Furbies, Garbage Pail Kids, limited edition RPGs, and other junk someone thought would be worth $100,000s some day, are being stockpiled to a mysterious location, for a yet unknown purpose.

The evidence is right in front of us, but we’re too busy attacking corporations instead of the real enemy.

At some point hordes of ninjas are going to overrun our streets and comic cons, stand around in random combat poses, and refuse to go away till you give them money.

Lucky for us there are two schools of ninjas, and I’m giving you the origins of each so you can tell them apart and know which ones are keeping the neighbors’ dog from taking a dump on your lawn, and which ones just want you to notice how cool their cosplay is.

The good ninjas come from the Cannon School of Ninjitsu,as established by Golan/Globus. What people thought was a film production studio was a front where Menahem Golan and Yoran Globus publicly trained ninjas to prepare for the coming apocalypse. The film profits of movies like Revenge of the Ninja and American Ninja funded the ninja schools, and the ninja master was Sho Kosugi.

Cannon Film Ninjas are honorable and drama-free. anyplace is good for a showdown, even a rooftop tennis court.

Kosugi was about the action and not the pose. He was ruthless. If you got into a sword-slicing lunge move and just stayed there, he would slice you.

This rat bastard pretended to abide by the Kosugi principles, with his big fake friendly grin, but then he’d try to burn with his sleeve torch.

Sho tried to talk to him. Silver skullface ninja had talent. He showed real promise, so Kosugi gave him way more chances than anyone else, but he wouldn’t stop with his sneaky burning. He left Kosugi no choice.

Not the end Kosugi wanted for Silver Skullface ninja, but the one he deserved.

The other ninjas got in line after that, though some left to the evil school of ninjas. No one knew who ran that school, but everyone knew the person who did their marketing. Godfrey Ho.

With a mere few hundred feet of film left over from some unfinished film project, Godfrey Ho would splice footage from one ninja movie and create anywhere from two dozen to fifty ninja films. The low level of quality footage, insanity-inducing plotlines, and speed of spread on home video gave the good ninjas such a bad reputation that they have never recovered. They can only show you who they are in the moment when you are assaulted by a Godfrey ho ninja. Some indicators are the presentation.

In the worst fotonovela covers you can find you will never this level of kitsch and poor layout. If this cover doesn’t give you a headache the sound of their clanking swords will.

The other indicator is the lack of concern for their presentation. Kosugi demanded neatly pressed ninja outfits, regardless of the heat and humidity. Godfrey Ho? That camo outfit you found at the military surplus store was good enough.

Would you engage with a ninja that looks like this. Look at that hood! He didn’t put on the mouth cover. The outfit probably smelled of bourbon and nicotine.

And it wasn’t just the protagonist. The villains in Godfrey Ho’s ninja films were as poorly decked as the heroes, so I guess you could say Godfrey Ho was progressive.

You talk about the cultural appropriation of white people, but what about this guy!?

So when your front lawn is overrun with ninjas in Party City outfits, just look for the quiet ones. If you see them calmly waiting for a chance to strike, just lock the doors and wait for them to take care of the loud annoying ones.